An email I shot off to Dragon , asking “What do you want?” When I asked in what context did he mean, I got an answer equating to “yes”. He didn’t put any limits on the question. At all. And this is what I came up with:
All right, before you read the transcript of my ramblings, I will forewarn you that I was tired so my brain wasn’t much beyond, like, first gear. Also, if you could like NEVER mention to any family members of mine that I seem to come across as some whiny romantic chick, I would be eternally thankful. I’m the rather rough-and-tumble girl, and everyone knowing how sappy I can be at times would TOTALLY kill my proverbial ‘street cred’ with certain members. ^_^
Also? None of this is allowed to be used as blackmail material. ^_^ Okay, so here it is:
‘It is 11:34 pm on September the 1st, 2009; this is dictation for the email to Dragon.
*sighs* You, my dear, ask what I want. And when I inquired what context you wanted me to answer said question, you said, basically, “yes, any context”. So…What do I want?
Well, materially speaking, I want a new laptop and more books. But, I always want more books.
I want not to worry about eviction notices, not to worry about the power being shut off because of non-payment. I want to not worry if the bank account is in the negative. I want to not have to work myself to death just to make ends meet in a minimum wage job that I love, but am learning to loathe.
I want…to wander. *chuckles* But, to have a home to come home to. I want a couch that didn’t get picked up off the side of the road. I want a desk I picked because I liked it, not because it’s what was on sale. Though, on sale is nice too.
I want to display, in a little corner china cabinet thing, most of the ridiculous little dust catchers I’ve accumulated over the years. Most of which have actually been gifts from my father, or gifts from myself.
I want…what do I want?
I want to see where life will go with you. I want to see where we can go together. I want to see how what I want fits into what you want.
I want to have stamps on my passport. I don’t even care to where. We could go to Mexico or Canada and I’d consider that an accomplishment. I want to see Niagara Falls from both sides of the border, even though its’ the same.
I want to take a ridiculous amount of pictures and I want to make memories, because…well, you didn’t say you wanted why but I’m gonna tell you anyway. I want to take pictures of places we’ve gone together and things we’ve done together because I think that the potential for positive memory is a wonderful thing. So I think that I want to fill a photo album of “Us”.
I want to drag you to the stupid Denny’s that I haunted for almost six years of my life no matter where we lived, just off I-4 in Altamonte Florida. I want you to meet the insane chick I call my best friend and the positive horde that is the rest of my family both chosen and biological.
I want to find a way to make a meal you really, really like.
I want many things.
I actually want, at some point, to have a place that isn’t some rented room. While I’m grateful for what I have, I want someplace I can call my home, not just my house. I’ve noticed I always call places my house, not home. I want home. Easier said than done. I’m not saying white picket fence, 2.5 kids and a golden retriever; a) because I don’t like golden retrievers all that much and b) because I’d probably try to tie dye the fence.
I want-okay; you’re going to laugh at me for this one. But I want a Christmas tree on the holidays. I know I’m not a Christian, no it’s not a Chanukah bush, it’s technically a Yule tree. But for the layman it’s a Christmas tree that I fought with the lights myself, and I don’t even care if it’s real or not; though I’d prefer real just because I’ve never had a real tree. For me, the ultimate expression of home is the holidays and decorating the place. And while for some the sentiments may be empty, for me the mistletoe IS for renewal. The red and green: the symbol of lifeblood, and the changing of the seasons, and the green is the sign of life even amongst the dark times. Giant metaphor for life, but whatever!
I want to ring in the New Year with a bottle of cheap champagne and—I don’t even know. What do people do? I want to have a New Year’s party and invite friends.
And I want some of the normal things I missed out on. I want a front door mat. I know it sounds like one of the stupidest things on the face of the planet, but whatever. I want a countertop or window box thing for fresh herbs-especially mint ‘cause I like munching on it. I want to make candies to send to people for care packages and for the holidays.
I want more books. *laughs* And the space to keep them.
I want to sock dance across a linoleum floor to really random music. I mean, like Dr. Demento ‘Fish Head’ type random music.
I want to have this conversation with you as we’re stretched out in bed. *sighs*
I want to not stare blankly at the ceiling and get dizzy by the shadow of the fan spinning around. Maybe I should turn off the light.
I want to know what you want. I want to see what we can be together.
I wanna be published. I want finish a book, a story that makes people go “Wow! That was so much better than Twilight!” *laughs* I’m half-kidding. Honestly I just hate Twilight, that’s what it is. I want to tell a story that keeps people hooked in, keeps people up way past their bedtime because they don’t want to put it down. I want to write the book that people stay up to read or fall asleep reading; because they’re just so tired “Just one more page, one more page, I’ll just finish the paragraph”. I always used to say that.
I want a music box, actually. I don’t even know why. There’s something sweet about them.
I want to find a matching dragon for your co-pilot. I want to find out so many things about you.
Thank god-hopefully you’ll never hear this, or if I just get lazy and send it to you: sorry.
Um…what do I want?
I want to see snow again and to actually have to wear a sweater or gloves. I want to throw a snowball at you and ten to one I’ll actually hit you ‘cause I’ve got pretty good aim.
I want to go dancing in a thunderstorm without having to worry about my relatives staring at me like I’m a freak. I want to chase butterflies. And yes, I know. I have Attention Deficit-Butterfly! *laughs*
I want to bake and to make you smile because it’s fun. And I want to find out little things that I can do. Little favorite things, like do you prefer socks or slippers; or do you prefer your hat or do you like baseball caps? Uh…butter or no butter on your popcorn. Pepsi or Coke, that sort of thing.
I want to go to a carnival, one of those state fair things and win one of those ridiculous stuffed animals that you can buy from Wal-Mart for 20 bucks. You know what I mean, the stupid rigged games. I want to ride the Ferris Wheel-even though I’m scared of heights. It’s the only time I feel like I’m flying.
I want to go somewhere new. I want to look around the place I’m living and see pieces of a successful life, a life well-lived. I want to get a ridiculous amount of postcards, at least one from every place I see. Not just drive through, but actually visit. I wanna see the biggest ball of twine or something random like that. You know what I mean.
I want to go to some of the places I’ve seen on Food Network or the Travel Channel. I want see Ireland. I want to have a real Guinness.
I want to be me…but better. Not better…not how I was how I was younger. There we go.
I want to have a piano or a keyboard that I play as procrastination instead of doing the dishes. I hate doing dishes. Well, no, I hate doing dishes by hand; I don’t mind loading a dishwasher. Although I like washing plates for some reason, it’s just so soothing. I want to own a vacuum cleaner, and I know that it probably sounds like a very strange thing but it makes sense in my head.
I want to build a life, not an existence.
I want…honest to god, I want not to have to work, or to work out of choice not necessity. I want to know where the farmer’s markets are and know everyone’s names there. I want to have a dedicated space for my artwork. I don’t even care if it’s a lanai with a fan. I want to bring beauty into the world.
I want to travel with you. *sighs*
I wanna learn how to dance, like ball room dance, or something stupid like that. Not salsa or anything, I want to waltz. I actually, and again this is kinda silly, I want to host a masquerade ball at some hoity toit hotel; buy a real dress and make up for all the proms and dance and birthdays I never had, all the times I couldn’t do something ‘cause I didn’t have the money. I think I’ll do that when I’m like thirty. That’ll be my 30th birthday.
I want to get married some day. No, I’m not like proposing marriage, what is it, four days into our relationship? I’m just saying. When, to explain, when my stepmother and my father got married February before last; she said, sometime after, that the reason she married him was that she thought she loved him. And she did, she did love him. But she thought that she would belong to him, she would give her heart and he’d give her his; and they would reach that “Us” point. And even though it’s symbolic of a dying nature of monogamy, I want to someday have a wedding ring on my finger, have-not extravagant-but a nice wedding. Maybe I’ll even invite my mother.
I want to have a movie night, like once every couple of months, if you’re not on the road. Or if you are, just, have a night where we both watch the same movie. And I actually do this with friends. If we like, go to Blockbuster or something, buy a movie at Wal-Mart and rent another copy, or find something on YouTube or Hulu, or one of the internet things. But, even from across the country just, be on the phone or IM, or occasionally both, it just depends on the friend. But, ya know? Just spend time together. And if you’re home, I think you’ve noticed I’m a snuggler.
I want to know what you consider home. I want to know your favorite foods, though I think I asked that already. I want to know if you snore, I’m actually curious on that one. I want to know so many things. I want to meet your mom. She sounds like a nifty lady.
I want to drag you around Chicago, to all my favorite little places and haunts. Take you to the Winter Garden in Roosevelt Library and The Bean in Millennium Park. Take a picture of the “watch for falling ice” signs that they have because people have actually died. I want to take a train ride-a Metra ride-from Chicago to Elgin to see Wixer and-and Nanny. Gods, I want to see Nanny.
I want to carve pumpkins, ‘cause its fun to squish the guts around since it feels like brains or something. I want to get lost in a corn field maze, preferably with you, because getting lost by myself would just freak me out and I’d probably use my cell and call someone.
Um… *yawns* Sorry. Hmm…
I want a teddy bear. I know it’s really dumb sounding for someone my age, but I’ve never had, like a normal teddy bear. I had a Care Bear when I was a kid, I had Luck Bear. God did I love that thing. Lucky was the coolest ever. And I had a Cabbage Patch doll. But I never had just a teddy bear. I had one when I was a baby, it was GIANT, and I used to use it as a pillow. My mother threw it out one time when she got mad at me.
I want to have pictures on the walls… and art!
And…I want you to look forward to coming to see me. I want to be able to make you laugh. I want to have inside jokes with you that we could just share a look when something happens and snicker. I want to have favorite movies or favorite things. I want us to fine our own little place just…wherever. I want to snuggle up with you, when I’m cold or when I feel like it. *laughs*
*Sighs* I want to crochet a blanket for the back of my own couch; I want to own said couch, like a nice leather couch. But you know have a throw I crocheted as just one of those “I made this” moments. I want to be able to send out those photo/letter Christmas cards.
I want to know what your favorite season is.
I want to go sledding for some reason but I don’t think that the logistics-ooh!!! Ooh, I know: I want to go on a hayride ‘because those things are the coolest fucking things EVER.
I want to get you a present, but like a multiple stage one where you have to find different clues leading up to the final shebang. I love doing that. *laughs* Hunting for stuff is so much fun.
I want *sighs* to fall asleep snuggled up with you. I want to give you a really big hug ‘because I miss you right now. I want to know why I’m like this after, what, four days technically.
I want to know why everyone thinks I’m a lesbian. *chuckles*
I want to sell my artwork.
And…I want you to meet my stepmom, ‘because I think you guys might get along. I want to see Allie and I want to see my brothers. I want you to meet Duckboy- err, Aaron, rather, my brother. He’s one nifty kid. Gods, he’s gonna be 18.
Oh, shit, I’m nearing on half an hour here and it’s just about midnight. Hmm…Well, I want to know what you want. So.
I want to go to bed, so I think I’m going to do that. I will transcribe this at some point, and I will talk to you later.
Bye sweetie.’
~End Transmission. ^_^